Wednesday, April 25, 2007

The Things That You're Liable To Read In The Bible..., Dept.

Y'know, your sobsister happened to be flipping through the Good Book as is my wont, when suddenly I came upon Chapter 23 of Ezekiel in the Old Testament (a/k/a the One With The Best Stories/Worst Laws). And it about knocked me off my comfy chair!

You see, it's an extended riff by Zeke (yeah, we're that tight) on the Two Adulterous Sisters. Sounds good so far, right? So, these two sisters "became prostitutes in Egypt, engaging in prostitution from their youth. In that land their breasts were fondled and their virgin bosoms caressed." And, okay, I'm a fellow of sober and steady temperament but this is getting hott. It turns out that the older sister was named "Oholah" (holla!) and the younger "Oholibah". Okay, not exactly tongue-trippers but it's all good, right? Then I read, "Oholah is Samaria and Oholibah is Jerusalem."

And I'm thinking, shit, a parable? dang! the whole thing's dropped, like, twenty points on Al Goldstein's Peter-Meter™. But, okay, I'll stick with it. So, it turns out that Oholah (holla!) starts giving it up big-time to the Assyrians, more caressing of her virgin bosom and pouring out of their lust on her. Basically, a number 7, hold the latex, extra fellatio.

She meets a bad end. Stripped naked, put to the sword. You don't wanna know. Trust me.

So, Oholibah sees this and the didactic dénouement to her sister's tale proves to be no deterrent. Soon, she too is making the beast with two--and sometimes three or four--backs with the Assyrians. Then she rings up the Babylonians and says something to the effect of how she would like them to caress her virgin bosoms. Which, I don't wanna be a bitch or nothin' but they was like two hundred Assyrians from cherry. So, the Babylonians show up and there's defiling and lusting and whatnot. That done, she waxes nostalgic (whacks on, whacks off...oh, now I get why Ralph Macchio was so into it) about her younger days in Egypt when her titties was all ridin' way up high'n'shit. And "there she lusted after lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses".

WHAAAA?!?!

Oh yeah, bay-beee! Now I know why they call it the Good Book, 'cause this shit is gooood. Nowhere in my own personal religious/spiritual formation was I ever exposed to the image of donkey-dong'd men shooting stallion loads onto skanky ho's. This is like Bukkake Buddies 6: GUSHERS!. Except it's in the Bible, motherfucker, so it's totally legit! And I'm about to blast-fax this to every parochial and diocesan school within a hundred miles of Sobsister Central when I get a thought.
A sobering thought.
Perhaps...an inspired thought.

Maybe it's wrong to spread this message wantonly to young people in the midst of their spiritual formation. Maybe it's wrong to excerpt salacious passages and pass them freely to unformed minds for unholy gratification. Maybe...I should package this all up and sell the whole thing to FOX!

She's a Wild Child and her sister's Freaky-Deaky! Now, they're being let loose on the unsuspecting male population of L.A.! This Fall, get ready to taste thirty-one flavors of fonky when Paris Hilton and Tara Reid kick their Candies to the ceiling as they take on the young'n'hung of the city of fallen angels in "Holla!"

See, that's how you get the young people interested in the Bible.
I mean, VeggieTales?
What the fuck were they thinking?

2 comments:

barryweber said...

This. Is. Brilliant.
Prophetically funny.
Eschatologically crazy.
And every bit as sound as any sermon which has never been and never will be preached on this text..

It really does show the power of a bunch of guys sitting around telling stories with a point, the point being the point, in such a memorable way, that it gets told again and again. UNTIL, it gets locked forever into print on paper, where it must forever be ignored or justified. The printing press is the greatest thing/ the worst thing that ever happened to the sacred stories. Because they are no longer living stories moving through time, but dead stories in time.

orderfire said...

Baby, after that, I'm just about born again! I'll join you for bible study anytime.
HOLLA!