Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Does It Hurt When Expedience Busts Your Revirginized Integrity Cherry?, Dept.

McCain Wrong on Iraq Security, Merchants Say - New York Times

You know what your sobsister likes?
No, you silly goose, not in that special, intimate way that Elizabeth Ray and Fanne Foxe did.
But in that I-didn't-know-you-could-fit-that-much-shit-inside-one-brainbox! way.

A case in point: Representative "Mike" Pence (R) who feels...I'm sorry, what's that? "Who's 'Mike' Pence?". Oh...well, he's a Congressman, you see, who represents the proud 6th District of Indiana and a fellow who describes himself as "a Christian, a conservative and a Republican, in that order". Pity he doesn't leave room for "a sentient lifeform" in that batting order.

Why am I being so harsh on this twunty Hoosier?

Well, it seems that "Mike" was in Iraq on a showboating propaganda junket factfinding mission, along with Senator John McCain who I'm sure would never bite the heads off a shelterful of puppies and kittens even if it meant another $10 million in his campaign war-chest, and he found himself in Baghdad's central market. "Mike" and his Congressional colleagues sauntered around the market, chatted with the merchants, bought some souvenirs, had their pictures taken Actively Supporting Our Troops, you know, Codel Package Tour #5, hold the falafel. Then, in a press conference afterwards, "Mike", by way of touting the success of the security strategy currently being flogged by the poor, retarded man who runs our country, noted that Baghdad's market was "like a normal outdoor market in Indiana in the summertime".

Oh, did I mention that the market had been locked down for the visit with more than 100 soldiers in Humvees securing the ground while attack helicopters circled overhead? And that all traffic had been directed away from the area by soldiers who allowed only Americans to enter the Potemkin village market? And that the congressmen, protected by sharpshooters deployed on the rooftops, wore bulletproof vests the whole time they were in the market? And that only six weeks ago, at least 61 people were killed there in what the NYT described as a "three-pronged attack...involving two vehicle bombs and a roadside bomb"?

Wow, Indiana must have some badass fucking markets, you know?

And yet, despite this characterization, according to "Mike"'s District Profile, "the 6th Congressional District of Indiana is as American as baseball and apple pie"? Wow, I hope "Mike" pays his writers top dollar 'cause I predict that li'l phrase has legs. I could see it being picked up and used...well, everywhere really. Car ads and tampon ads and...yeah. Anyway, apart from his love of the excruciating cliché, "Mike" appears to possess one trait that may explain his relatively-rapid ascent to positions of real responsibility in the Congress.

You see, despite the fact that he was born without a fucking clue (a Lifetime movie is in the works with Jean Smart set to play "Mike"), he is possessed of faith.
True faith.
Strong faith.

Faith that the people of the 6th District of Indiana--good, hardworking, salt-of-the-earth "reg'lar folks"--don't really give a minor fuck about Iraq or Baghdad or The Surge or the bloody politics of an economy built on profligate consumption of fossil fuel.

Faith that a man in power can open his mouth and spew lies, mistruths, and deceits of every description, and that no-one of consequence will ever call such a man, one who describes himself as "a Christian, a conservative and a Republican, in that order", to judgment.

Faith that if he rolls enough shit with his nose, eventually it'll grow into a ball big enough to house him, his wife, and their three lovely children.

Faith can move mountains.
Just like "Mike" Pence moves his personal ball of shit with his nose.
A little further, a little bigger every day.

Good luck, then, "Mike" Pence, and Godspeed, and remember: every little thing you say helps build that ball of faith into your dream home of tomorrow.

Rep. Pence living the dream

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