Friday, January 02, 2009

Not Quite "Lemonade," More Like Tangy Piss, Dept.

From the page:

"Bristol: Pregnancy wasn't 'ideal'

Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin and her daughter Bristol sought to discourage teen pregnancy Friday in a statement posted on the governor's website welcoming her first grandchild, Tripp, into the family.

The Alaska governor said that the pregnancy was 'shocking news' but said the family is now 'over the moon with the arrival of this healthy, beautiful baby.'

'When Bristol and Levi first told us the shocking news that she was pregnant, to be honest, we all at first looked at the situation with some fear and a bit of despair,' Palin said. 'Isn't it just like God to turn those circumstances into such an amazing, joyful blessing when you ask Him to help you through?'

Praise the Lord, yes! You, Jane Doe, you know that terrible meth addiction of yours? Look at it as the Lord's way to get you into those kicky size 2s you've been eyeing! And you, Joe Blow, still grieving about that child you lost to a drunk driver? How about using his room for that home gym you've been thinking about adding to the house? Heck, there's no fuckup on your part--or on anyone else's part, for that matter--that you can't spin into a blessing from our Lord and Savior! You think you've got a handful of shit, brother, but God is always there to turn it into fertilizer! Especially when your political career hangs on your ability to keep your name bobbing in the public eye. So, ask the press to please respect your family's privacy but grab some headlines as you try to transform this eight-pound rebuttal of the efficacy of your abstinence teachings into confirmation of your righteous role in God's Eternal Plan! As Clown Jesus hisself sang in Godspell's toe-tapping words, "Yes, it's all for the best."

Oh, Madam Governor, you are by no means a cretinous, self-serving, self-righteous whited sepulcher.
Oops, it's Backwards Day!
So, you actually are.
For real.
This just in: Jesus does not want you for a sunbeam.
Film at 11.

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