I Did Not Have Sexual Relations with That Man, Dept.

Former church member: Haggard performed sex act - Yahoo! News

"Former Church Member: Haggard Performed Sex Act

A young man who formerly attended New Life Church says that then-pastor Ted Haggard performed a sex act in front of him in a hotel room in 2006 and sent him explicit text messages...In a statement earlier Monday, Haggard apologized for his 'inappropriate relationship' with the former church volunteer, but said it did not involve physical contact."


Oh, Ted, you Wile E. Coyote! Getting all Clintonian on us this late in the game. You acted "inappropriately" but said inappropriateness did not involve "physical contact" because you...what? jerked off in front of this fellow? performed an act of auto-fellatio? employed a butternut squash as a dildo? What, Ted, what?!

And "explicit text messages." Yes, because those have never come back to bite any public figure in the ass. Please share them with us, do. Were they all KJV-Biblical in tone? Did you offer to smite his buttocks with the righteous staff of your loins? Or were they skeevy sticky manporn? Did you at any point employ the phrase "hot stallion load" in describing the fruit of your efforts?

Oh, Ted! Splitting hairs and weaselwording isn't going to get you back into the pulpit and into the hearts of so very many gullible gomers! You have to abase yourself, indulge in a public act of self-flagellation, streak your pancake with hot tears and beg to be forgiven by that very same omnipotent and omniscient God you treat like an ATM at a convenience store.

But do give us the spicy-yet-degrading-yet-fascinating-yet-appalling details yourself. Have you forgotten, Ted? It's Schadenfreude Tuesday, and baby needs new shoes.