Saturday, January 26, 2013

Hymen the Mood for Love..., Dept.

Ladies, did you get your cherry popped by some inappropriate cad before you met Mr. Right?

Well, worry no longer about that embarrassing lack of resistance at your honeymoon hubby's inaugural thrust!  Now, "Newly Developed Technology enables the amazing ability to become a virgin again!"

Some fascinating and possibly toxic combination of petrochemicals and food dye will allow you to semi-recreate the rupturing of your hymen for whichever slope-browed, slack-jawed knuckledragger you've decided has the earning potential to support you for the rest of his life.

For only $29.95 you can maintain the first in what will be an amazing series of fictions in your married life!  Yes, you are a virgin.  No, your husband is not keeping two mistresses.  No, your husband is not short, fat and repulsive.  Yes, your two children are his issue.

Remember: "only $29.95 and you can restore your Virginity and have your first night back anytime!"
Maintain the patriarchal, chauvinistic mindfuck that is your benighted country's model for human relations now!

Free delivery!  Operators are standing back to snicker behind their hands at your pathetic attempts to fool the nouveau riche pig farmer you've managed to snag!

Saturday, January 12, 2013

You Sexy Motherswiffer, Dept.

So, Swiffer.  I did a bit of research as to where its name comes from.  And there's talk about what a genius brand name it is.  It evokes "swift" and "sweep" and other zippy cleaning words.  Which may be true.

My theory: The word "swive," which is archaic English, meaning "to fuck."  Derived from the Old English "swÄ«fan," which means "to sweep" as well as "to wend" and "to move."

I think a clever if naughty adman (or -woman) with maybe a bit of background in Anglo-Saxon came up with a swell product name that has a logical derivation as well as a sexual connotation graduate students in Old English can snigger at.

Who says Beowulf doesn't have applications to modern times?