Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Song of the Viking, Dept.

Moondog - Music - New York Times

The above link is to an article in last Sunday's NYT about Moondog, the composer who, to most eyes, lived on the street in midtown Manhattan from the '40s to the '70s from which venue he sold his poetry and music. While attired in a Viking helmet and cloak. And he was blind. Truly the stuff of legend.

Irwin Chusid, who knows a thing or two about unorthodox musicians, features a flock of Moondog music (which, incidentally, is an indescribable and delicious blend of jazz and classical and Moondog, like what'd glide off the bandstand at an unearthly nightclub where cigarettes are good for you and liquor makes you smarter) on two episodes of his excellent WFMU radio show: one here and one here. The music, to which I came as an interested neophyte, is well worth a listen. And there are interviews with Moondog biographer Robert Scotto, who is quoted throughout the Times piece, on both shows.

Good and good for you. So, dig in!
Criminally Incompetent or Incompetently Criminal?, Dept.

Immunity Deals Offered to Blackwater Guards - New York Times

Hmm. Let's see. So, someone at the Bureau of Diplomatic Security (DS) in the State Department kinda-sorta went off the reservation and offered the jackbooted thugs of Blackwater limited-use immunity regarding the faster-pussycat-bang!-bang! at Nisour Square in Baghdad without consultation (supposedly) with any ranking State officials or with the Justice Department who, you know, has the point on such deals. And the head of DS, Richard Griffin, resigned last week to "move on to new challenges". Like avoiding indictment, presumably.

Wow. Sounds like a good old Mongolian pooch-screw down at Foggy Bottom. I can't imagine at least a few more people aren't going to bite the dust before it settles on this lovely moment in American foreign policy. But now, as we all know, accountability is the watchword for this administration, so shouldn't the head of the State Department be the one who takes the bullet? Shouldn't the extra-long-grain Rice nobly but quietly, head lowered, shoulders rounded, withdraw into the long shadows of disgrace?

BAAH-HAH!! Just funnin'! There's no frackin' way I-Want-Condi is going to take responsibility for this. Come on. It took bull mastiffs and a high-pressure hose to get Li'l Albertito Gonzalez to loosen his grip on his desk chair! People don't quit the Bush Cabinet unless you've got audio, video, documentary, and, possibly, StormTracker Doppler Radar footage of them rolling that busload of orphans off the cliff. If any deals were cut, they'll have been done, of course, without the knowledge or sanction of the Seventh Floor where Her Cacao Nibs holds court. Deals cut by rogue employees. Coincidentally with another pack of rogue employees. Are you noticing how when shit gets done, it's always unauthorized? Like there's no hint of a corporate culture that tacitly or otherwise encourages cowboying and jiggery-pokery? "Plausible deniability" enshrined as organizational credo. Credo credere credidi creditus. All the credit, none of the blame, that's the Bush appointee game.

More on this breaking story as it shatters...

Monday, October 29, 2007

A Situation Too Serious Not to Laugh, Dept.

Myanmar Magic: Tell a Joke, and You Disappear - New York Times

The link above is to a piece in today's New York Times on a Burmese street theatre called a-nyeint pwe, and the difficulties that practitioners of this ofttimes-political comedy form have under the humorless gaze of the murderous military junta that has done such a swell job of running that country into the shit. Here's a similar article from the London Times from a few weeks back. Both pieces feature the Mandalay troupe known as the Moustache Brothers who, perhaps by dint of their notoriety, are somewhat atypical of a-nyeint pwe's practitioners.

That said, what I find most noteworthy about the piece(s) is the notion held by some of these performers that, despite harassment, beatings, and lengthy incarcerations, they continue their act because it's what they do. Not the sort of self-righteous martyrdom on the Muse's altar which we might expect in the West. Just a recognition that this is the family business and that joking is what they do and if they get thrown in jail for five years, well, that's the cost of doing business.

Your sobsister's hat (and I look crap in hats, so this is a big deal) is doffed for the remainder of the day to these performers. Listen to the words of U Par Par Lay--the Moustache Brother recently arrested for leading writers and performers in marches to support the Buddhist monks--upon his release from jail in 2001, “You cannot close my mouth, ears and eyes. If you want to do that, it would be better not to release me

Monday, October 22, 2007

Nothing Up My Sleeve, Dept.

Copperfield magic canceled by FBI probe - Yahoo! News

Yeah, so David Copperfield, the smarmy "illusionist", is shutting down his Southeast Asia tour after the feds began investigating him back in Las Vegas. Seems they were following up on allegations that he had tried to make his winkie disappear. Inside an unidentified woman who thought of it more as "forcing himself" on her.

Upside, it helps quell the David-is-gay rumors that have swirled about the prestidigitator ever since Paris Match claimed that his six-year engagement to Bavarian megahottie Claudia Schiffer was a contract-based sham.

Downside, it's called "attempted rape".

-Hey, Rocky! Watch me pull a one-eyed snake out of my hat!

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Fighting Fire with Flaming Homosexuality, Dept.

Vatican City: Priest in Gay Sting an ‘Exception’ - New York Times

Yeah. This one deserves to be quoted in its entirety. From the NYT:

"A leading cardinal described as an 'isolated case' a 60-year-old Vatican official caught on a hidden television camera declaring himself gay and making sexual advances to a younger man. The cardinal, Julián Herranz, head of the Vatican’s disciplinary committee, told the newspaper La Repubblica that such cases cause 'sadness, assuredly, but we are aware that these cases are exceptions.' The Vatican official, Msgr. Tommaso Stenico of the Congregation of the Clergy, was suspended last week after being filmed for a program shown on Italian television. He denied that he was gay, called the filming 'a trap' and said he was only pretending to be gay to gather information about 'those who damage the image of the church with homosexual activity.'”

Ah, those canny clergymen. Pretending to be gay in order to extract information from the enemy. Why, he's so dedicated to the cause of Mother Church, I have no doubt that he would have eagerly slobbered all over his target's man-meat and even taken it up the Appian Way! And after his poor, unwitting mark had shot his load all over the monsignor's face, then, THEN he would have been easy prey for the mad information-gathering skillz of the clever Catholic cockcatcher.

Is it any wonder the One True Church has lasted two millennia?

Here's a typically simpleminded CNN story about this scandal. They Connect All the Dots for you, see?, so you don't have to Think Too Hard.

And here's an Italian-language segment on gay priests presented by a smoking hot woman whom you can see at greater length here.

Courtesy of your full-service sobsister.
Veal, the Other, Other White Meat, Dept.

Green Bay Press-Gazette - Brown County Republican Party chairman faces sex charges

Hey, it's Man-Boy Love Tuesday here at your sobsister's! And whom do we have with us today? Why, it's Donald Fleischman, the 37-year-old GOP chairman in Brown Country, WI who faces some narsty criminal charges for fondling a 16-year-old runaway in bed, feeding him beer and weed, and--the pièce de résistance--masturbating at the foot of the boy's bed while he was asleep. I'm sorry...I should say "allegedly" squeezing and self-pleasing on account of how Fleischman's mouthpiece indicated that his client is "innocent of all charges."

Yes. Yes, I am certain that he is innocent and certainly no pedophile. How could he be? He's a Republican, fer Chrissake's! They don't cotton to no boy-loving homos in the Grand Old Party! I'm sure this will turn to have been simply a misunderstanding. He definitely was not masturbating at the foot of that boy's bed, I tell you what. Probably just practicing his baton work for the John Philip Sousa tribute-a-thon he was planning on leading someday. Dum-de-dum dum-dum-dum dum-de-dum. Ah, the "Washington Post March". There's a rousing tune! Banish all thoughts of boybuggery, lads! Hop to it! Dum-da-dum-da-dum da-dum-da-dum da-dum.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

It's Whited Sepulchre Thursday!, Dept.

Well, well, well. Seems like the turd doesn't fall far from the horse's ass. Just twenty years after Oral Roberts strong-armed his congregation in an effort to get them to pony up $8 million or the Lord was going to kill him daid, his son is being sued for similarly coercing students to influence a local political race. And Sonny-boy's wife? Let's just say she's Tammy Faye meets Imelda at Mrs. Robinson's house.

Here's a long quote from the AP report:

The allegations are contained in a lawsuit filed Tuesday by three former professors. They sued ORU and Roberts, alleging they were wrongfully dismissed after reporting the school's involvement in a local political race.

Richard Roberts, according to the suit, asked a professor in 2005 to use his students and university resources to aid a county commissioner's bid for Tulsa mayor. Such involvement would violate state and federal law because of the university's nonprofit status. Up to 50 students are alleged to have worked on the campaign.

The professors also said their dismissals came after they turned over to the board of regents a copy of a report documenting moral and ethical lapses on the part of Roberts and his family. The internal document was prepared by Stephanie Cantese, Richard Roberts' sister-in-law, according to the lawsuit.

An ORU student repairing Cantese's laptop discovered the document and later provided a copy to one of the professors.

It details dozens of alleged instances of misconduct. Among them:

-A longtime maintenance employee was fired so that an underage male friend of Mrs. Roberts could have his position.

-Mrs. Roberts — who is a member of the board of regents and is referred to as ORU's "first lady" on the university's Web site — frequently had cell-phone bills of more than $800 per month, with hundreds of text messages sent between 1 a.m. to 3 a.m. to "underage males who had been provided phones at university expense."

-The university jet was used to take one daughter and several friends on a senior trip to Orlando, Fla., and the Bahamas. The $29,411 trip was billed to the ministry as an "evangelistic function of the president."

-Mrs. Roberts spent more than $39,000 at one Chico's clothing store alone in less than a year, and had other accounts in Texas and California. She also repeatedly said, "As long as I wear it once on TV, we can charge it off." The document cites inconsistencies in clothing purchases and actual usage on TV.

-Mrs. Roberts was given a white Lexus SUV and a red Mercedes convertible by ministry donors.

-University and ministry employees are regularly summoned to the Roberts' home to do the daughters' homework.

-The university and ministry maintain a stable of horses for exclusive use by the Roberts' children.

-The Roberts' home has been remodeled 11 times in the past 14 years.

Ain't that a hoot? I especially like the bits about Mrs. Roberts. Man, don't that ol' girl like 'em young'n'hung?

All kidding aside, what do these charlatans have to do to discredit themselves once and for all in peoples' eyes? Bugger underage hookers on YouTube? Shit on crucifixes while speaking well of Satan? As pissed as I am that I have to share a continent with these cunts, I can only imagine what it must be like to be one of their contributors. "Naow, don't be listenin' to that gol-danged news show, Lurleen, that's just the devil a-talkin' outta that there anchor feller's mouth."
Jerry's Kids, Dept.

Dead Reverend's Rubber Fetish - October 8, 2007

A friend and colleague of the late and unlamented Jerry Falwell went to meet Jesus in some interesting attire. With some interesting appliances jammed up his butt. Just follow the link for the full poop...shoot, I think there's a secret message in this sentence.

Note: any time a headline reads "Dead Reverend's Rubber Fetish" you know that Schadenfreude readings for the area are going to be quite high, so dress accordingly.

Monday, October 08, 2007

The Fat Man Writes and, Having Writ, Moves On, Dept.

Hey, I don't know nothin' from nothin' but this is American poetry:

Billy got down on his
hands and knees.
He said, "Hey, mama, hey,
let me check your
oil alright?"
And she said,
"No, no, honey,
not tonight.
Come back Monday,
Come back
And then
I might."

The opening to "Fat Man in the Bathtub" by Little Feat. You can hear this song as part of a smoking set offered for stream and sale by the nice folks at wolfgangsvault.com. 1976 from Winterland. It doesn't get much better, Feat-wise.

One could fritter away countless hours at the Vault.
And them hours ain't fritterin' themselves, amigo, so hie thee hence.

Friday, October 05, 2007

LOLwatch!, Dept.

Your sobsister has written previously on the painful problem of film reviewers who feel compelled to say--before God and everybody!--that a movie made them Laugh Out Loud.

Despite my efforts to the contrary, there continue to be some benighted rascals who insist on using this phrase in their, ahem, "film criticism." Don't believe me? Well, just ask Lisa Stanley, Entertainment Reporter for the K-EARTH 101 Morning Show and card-carrying Buena Vista quote whore, what she thinks of The Game Plan. You know, The Game Plan? The Rock's big-man-takes-care-of-little-girl hilarious-fish-out-of-water-hijinx-ensue "comedy". Right. Well, Ms. Stanley, who looks and sounds like she's wanted to be no-one more since childhood than Joan Rivers, says it right there in black'n'white: LAUGH-OUT-LOUD FUNNY! And she's worked for Hard Copy, so you know she knows funny. And quality. Both.

Then, in what I can only hope is an ironic dropping of the LOL-bomb, Leonard Maltin, who actually knows something about film, describes the newest shitbrick from the unbearably-tiresome Ben Stiller, The Heartbreak Kid in the following terms: "You can try to resist, but this movie makes you laugh out loud." On the one hand, he spares us the exclamation point. On the other hand, this film is an unnecessary remake of a minor comedy by a team of people (Stiller, the Farrelly Brothers, their accountants) who would likely not know funny if it bent them over and shoved two thousand feet of film stock up their butts. Maltin's only fifty-six, so one can't play the drooling-dotage card on his behalf. An apparently inexplicable lapse in taste.

I, like Jerry Lewis, will continue my crusade until the happy day comes when people will forget there ever was a need for a telethon. Or something. And remember: friends don't let friends LOL drunk. I thank you.
What's in a Name?, Dept.

Alright, people, you heard the man, "This government does not torture people." And, surprising as it may sound, I believe the old coke-snarfer. The government of the United States does not torture people.

However, it has rewritten the definition of "people" to exclude Jihadists, Jihadist sympathizers, Jihadist fundraisers, and the editorial board of the New York Times.

See? Easy-peasy-legalesey!

In response to the fact that the NYT had recently published reports showing that the Department of Justice had been filing super-duper-double-dog-secret memos basically saying, "yay! torture rocks!" at the same time it was publicly saying that torture was "abhorrent" with the straightest face a bucket of Botox could give it, White House spokesman Anthony "Tony Bazooms" Fratto noted, "It's troubling. I've had the awful responsibility to have to work with The New York Times and other news organizations on stories that involve the release of classified information. And I can tell you that every time I've dealt with any of these stories, I have felt that we have chipped away at the safety and security of America with the publication of this kind of information."

Yes, Tony, yes. It is an "awful responsibility" to have to try to get that naughty Fourth Estate to suck your dick not too fast, not too slow, but just the way you like it. And it is "troubling" that they would wander off the reservation like that, just publishing what?, quote-unquote news?? The nerve. The Times should take a few lessons from the boys and girls over at FOX. Why, they've gone so far as to have all their teeth pulled just to give you the smoothest suck access can buy.
Hey, No Takesy-Backsies!, Dept.

Guilty Plea Stands, but Craig Won’t Quit Senate - New York Times

The straightest man in the U.S. Senate has gone and welshed on his promise to quit if a judge refused his request to withdraw his "guilty" plea in the case of Arsefucking v. Bathroom Stall.

Larry "I'm so hetero, Chuck Norris takes my sloppy seconds" Craig has decided to serve out the balance of his term, which expires in January 2009. In doing so, he has disappointed a number of Senate Republicans who really, really didn't want to face the prospect of televised ethics committee hearings wherein the words "Republican" and "vigorous fisting" would rub up against each other like rush-hour subway passengers.

By way of explanation, Craig noted, "I hope this provides the certainty Idaho needs and deserves." Yes. Yes, I'm sure Idahoans will cherish the certainty that the words "lying sack of opportunistic shit" can be piled onto the other Homeric epithets already garlanding their senior senator's brow. Like "wide-stanced". And "rectum-opening." And "semen-garglesome." Yes, if I know the honest, simple folk of the Spud State--and I believe I do--that is precisely the sort of certainty they crave.

God bless Larry Craig, then, for giving his constituents what they want, no, what they need: the iron-clad assurance that the most un-homosexual man in the Senate is willing unselfishly to go back on his word, to ignore the will of his party, to make his political career a bemerded punchline, just so they can relax, knowing that their elected representative will leave office at his appointed time.

We close with an edifying, wholly-unrelated epigram by Martial:
Mentula cum doleat puero, tibi, Naevole, culus,
non sum divinus, sed scio quid facias.

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Old Blackwater, Keep On Rollin', Dept.

Chief of Blackwater Defends His Employees - New York Times

Yeah, so Erik D. Prince--the whitewalled talking point who runs Blackwater USA and what a fine 1985 rapper's name he has--was just jawbonin' with a Congressional committee this week. And it turns out that there are a number of things I Did Not Know about Blackwater or, as I like to call it, SATAN DEATH SQUAD OVERSTRIKE!!!111oneoneone

Let's let the Fresh Prince of Baghdad's quotes speak for themselves:

"People make mistakes; they do stupid things sometimes."
Yes. Yes they do. Elect a drooling autocrat to the presidency twice in a row, for example. Or eat corn dogs. Or forget to screen men carrying big-ass guns for possible sociopathic tendencies. Whoopsie.

"If the government doesn't want us to do this, we'll go do something else."
Like work for Al-Qaeda. Hell, money's just as green, am I right?

"They call us mercenaries. But we're Americans working for America protecting America."
And let me just congratulate Mr. Prince for delivering this sentence while simultaneously baking an apple pie, fielding a double play, kissing his mother, and lighting a bouquet of red-white-and-blue sparklers wedged stem-first in his ass.

Actually, I sort of like that last sentence in its Gertrude Stein-esque cadences.
Americans working for America protecting America.
She had been dancing. She had been one dancing. She was dancing then. She had been doing dancing. When she had been doing dancing she had been dancing. She had been dancing when she had been dancing. She had been dancing.

See? Practickly the same.
Except Gertrude didn't unprovokedly shoot a man in the head then shoot his weeping mother dead then blow their car to bits then strafe a queue of panic-stricken drivers.
That I know of.

Yo, yo, yo, Erik D. Prince!
Throw your hands in the air and wave 'em like you just don't care to be shot by a lawless gang of psycho cowboys!

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

There's Lurid and Then There's LURID, Dept.

Breitbart.tv � Sex in Car: Hooker Mom Snorts Cocaine Off Baby’s Stomach While Breastfeeding

I mean, yeah, that's gotta be the attention-grabbing headline of the week: Hooker Mom Snorts Cocaine Off Baby's Stomach While Breastfeeding. The imagery alone. Not to mention her multi-tasking skills. There aren't too many hotbutton issues that headline misses. Sex. Drugs. Babies. Lactation. And the unanswered questions. For instance: did she blow a big raspberry on baby's stomach afterwards while making sure to rub any stray coke on her gums?

The story itself is even more trash-o-tragic. Mom sucking off johns while her two kids are in back. Mom smoking crack "ten or twelve times" during the course of her busy evening while her two kids are in the back.

A police spokesman was quoted as saying, "This is right at the top of the all time despicable crime list in Schenectady." Which may or may not be a meaningful statement, as I'm unaware of the number of despicable crimes committed annually in the Albany-Schenectady-Troy Upstate Triangle of Doom.

But there you have it, ladies: doing a few rails off Junior's tum-tum while giving him teat is a Bad Thing.

The preceding is a public service announcement of this sobsister network.

Monday, October 01, 2007

Once Again Aboard the True Love, Dept.

Is Pamela Anderson ready to marry again? - Yahoo! News

Sometimes your sobsister thinks about these glamour girls from Hollywood and how they only circulate among other movie stars and billionaires and cosmetic surgeons and, as a consequence, marry rich'n'famous guys instead of lovable but cash-strapped jamokes. Except in meet-cute romantic comedies. But those are less realistic than Lord of the Rings and The Incredibles combined.

At any rate, this trend of Hollywood bombshell marrying within her own weight class continued with the successful application for a Las Vegas marriage license this weekend by Pamela "do they look real?" Anderson. Pammy's already been down the aisle with two gents to whose levels of class and couth we mere mortals can only aspire: Kid Rock and Tommy Lee. Having learned valuable lessons from these two sadly-failed unions, the 40-year-old Pam is ready for a new, more mature relationship. And so she has decided to link her life with that of Rick Salomon. Who?, you may be asking. C'mon...you know "Rick Salomon". No? Let me jog your memory. The Rick Salomon with whose erect cock tens of millions of downloaders became familiar from such films as "I'm Fucking My Half-bombed, Semi-retarded Girlfriend, Paris Hilton, in a Variety of Positions While I Videotape the Proceedings with a Low-Light Camera." Oh, that Rick Salomon! Right. So, you know Pammy had to kiss a lot of frogs before she found this Prince Charming. I myself don't know what Mr. Salomon does for a living. But I do know he was once married to volatile substance and former TV star Shannon Doherty. So, I assume his business and personal lives both involve purchasing wrecks and selling them for salvage. Like those guys who tack signs to telephone poles offering to buy and tow your old heap for a hundred bucks.

So, here's to a long and loving marriage for Pam and Rick, two krazy kids who'll prove the pundits wrong, if I'm any judge of horseflesh. I mean, gawrsh, ain't love grand?