Friday, October 05, 2007

Hey, No Takesy-Backsies!, Dept.

Guilty Plea Stands, but Craig Won’t Quit Senate - New York Times

The straightest man in the U.S. Senate has gone and welshed on his promise to quit if a judge refused his request to withdraw his "guilty" plea in the case of Arsefucking v. Bathroom Stall.

Larry "I'm so hetero, Chuck Norris takes my sloppy seconds" Craig has decided to serve out the balance of his term, which expires in January 2009. In doing so, he has disappointed a number of Senate Republicans who really, really didn't want to face the prospect of televised ethics committee hearings wherein the words "Republican" and "vigorous fisting" would rub up against each other like rush-hour subway passengers.

By way of explanation, Craig noted, "I hope this provides the certainty Idaho needs and deserves." Yes. Yes, I'm sure Idahoans will cherish the certainty that the words "lying sack of opportunistic shit" can be piled onto the other Homeric epithets already garlanding their senior senator's brow. Like "wide-stanced". And "rectum-opening." And "semen-garglesome." Yes, if I know the honest, simple folk of the Spud State--and I believe I do--that is precisely the sort of certainty they crave.

God bless Larry Craig, then, for giving his constituents what they want, no, what they need: the iron-clad assurance that the most un-homosexual man in the Senate is willing unselfishly to go back on his word, to ignore the will of his party, to make his political career a bemerded punchline, just so they can relax, knowing that their elected representative will leave office at his appointed time.

We close with an edifying, wholly-unrelated epigram by Martial:
Mentula cum doleat puero, tibi, Naevole, culus,
non sum divinus, sed scio quid facias.

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