All Politics Is Oral, Dept.

Hey, kids, it's Cocksucking Thursday and you know what that means!!

Two, not one but TWO stories of earnest, Godfearing, conservative Republicans who can't help but feed their insatiable appetite for the blood-engorged man-thing!

First off, we have Florida State Senator Bob Allen who--fasten your seatbelts, it's going to be a bumpy ride on the majestic Bullshit River--claims that he offered a Black undercover cop twenty bucks to suck the cop's dick in a public men's room because he was afraid of the big Black men walking around the park outside. A hair-of-the-dog-that's-about-to-bite-you strategy, from the sounds of it. He also later claimed that he was only in the men's room because of inclement weather....and cue "It's Raining Men". Senator Allen had been voted 2007 Police Union Lawmaker of the Year. Quite so, what with all the paying and the dickgobbling he provides our men in blue. Superduper-ironically, however, Allen had recently sponsored a failed bill that would've tightened the state's prohibition on public sex. He, it almost goes without saying, has also been a supporter of amending the Sideshow State's constitution to ban same-sex marriage and had opposed a bill to curb bullying of gay students. Crimestoppers' Textbook: men who love to gargle jizz can often be detected by their anti-gay voting records.

Meanwhile, over in Hoosier country, another fellow, Glenn Murphy, who was recently elected leader of the Young Republican National Federation, has been forced to step down amid charges that he sexually assaulted another fellow after a Young Republicans party. How, precisely, did he do this? Well, at the house of the victim's sister, we find both fellows pretty well tuckered out after getting shitfaced the night before. The victim wakes the following morning and finds Murphy breaking his fast with a healthy serving of tube steak. The victim, understandably, asks Murphy what he is doing. According to the police report, Murphy answered that he was holding his dick with one hand and sucking the victim's dick with his mouth. Points for honesty! Well, wouldn't you know it, just ten days later, Murphy resigns his chairmanship of the Clark County, IN Republican Party and his presidency of the Young Republicans and e-mails a letter to media outlets announcing his resignation due to an unexpected business opportunity that would be incompatible with holding partisan political office. Lucky duck! Lucky cocksucking duck! Oh, and back in '98, a 21-year-old male apparently filed a similar report claiming ol' Murph tried to swallow his baby baton while he was sleeping but charges were never filed. Imagine that! The GOP opens its, umm, arms, let's say, and welcomes this sex offender into its, umm, ranks, and even promotes him to a position of responsibility and authority over its young, hott, hung, umm, members. It truly is a Big Cocksucking Tent over there.

So, the next time someone tells you that the Republican Party is nothing but a fetid snake-pit of virulent homophobia, just point to Murphy and Allen and say, "Nuh-uh! 'GOP' stands for 'Gay Oral Parties', as far as I'm concerned, Your Eminence! Now, peel that altar boy off your face and let's get back to our backgammon game!"

UPDATE: Glenn Murphy--through his repellently-oleaginous mouthpiece, of course--claims that the wakey-wakey dick-gobbling in which he engaged was "as between consenting adults." Stay tuned, kids; by weekend's end, this shitbag sex-offender should be claiming he was practically raped, RAPED!, by his soi-disant "victim".