Bless Me, Father, for I Am Something of a Shitwit, Dept.

Well, William Donohue is trying desperately to get back in the news. Who's that, you ask? He's the cassock-hugging gasbag who heads the "Catholic League" which, no, is not a band of superheroes who fight contraception and rationalism but, instead, a censorious little sewing-circle that purports to sniff offenses and outrages against the Holy Mother Church in every media mention of the pedophile-coddling organization.

If you've never had the pleasure of seeing and hearing William Donohue, you are immeasurably luckier than I. So, I'll just give you a li'l taste of the fellow. Donohue is like every fucking Irishman whose wide ass swamps a stool at any old-man's bar in midtown. A "Shamrock Inn" kind of joint where the steam table has been warming the same hunk of corned beef since 1975. And a wrinkled eight-by-ten glossy of JFK is reverently taped up by the register. He's the fat load who harangues his vacant barmates in a foghorn voice about the "coloreds" and the "fags" and don't get him started on those "women's lib types". The kind who, had he ever gotten married, would have settled his marital disagreements with the business end of a coal shovel. Donohue's heyday was the period surrounding the release of The Passion of the Christ when he could be found across the airwaves bloviating on the correctness of the film, its source material, and particularly its director. No-one has tossed Mel Gibson's salad more enthusiastically than William Donohue. Since then, he has tried to remain relevant despite sounding increasingly like Archie Bunker as Willy Loman. His delusions of grandeur and significance, however, lead him to present himself as the secular spokesman for, and defender of, Catholicism. And, let's face it, the beleaguered institution needs a douchebag like Donohue the way it needs a joint venture with NAMBLA.

So, Donohue is now up on the ramparts bellowing his opposition to the film version of The Golden Compass and calling for a boycott of a film he characterizes as atheistic and anti-Catholic. It should go without saying that he has not seen the film. In his spit-spewing opposition, he is leaning considerably forward of the church for which he shills. The U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops' news service reviewed the film and found it to be "lavish, well-acted and fast-paced", "an exciting adventure story" in which "there's hardly a dull moment, and the effects are beautifully realized". The review's laudatory tone is admittedly influenced by the excision of explicit visual or textual references to the Catholic Church, but it recognizes that the original author's intent and execution may have been less charitable. In this regard, it takes the following stand, "Will seeing this film inspire teens to read the books, which many have found problematic? Rather than banning the movie or books, parents might instead take the opportunity to talk through any thorny philosophical issues with their teens."

A reasonable viewpoint. Surprisingly so. So, does the Defender of the Faith take his marching orders from the USCCB? Heck, no! Interviewed on FOX News, Donohue maintains that the film--which, again, he has not seen--is not only luring children and their clueless parents to its downplayed atheism and anti-Catholicism, but also whetting innocent children's appetite for the unbridled, full-blown Godlessness of the original novels. Not for Donohue the moderate approach and parental engagement advocated by the bishops. No, no. Moral absolutism, fueled by a promiscuous love of the spotlight and a searing desire to be more Catholic than Benny XVI, takes no prisoners. When even the FOX commentator conceded that the bishops' endorsement took the teeth out of any potential protest, you know that Donohue is out on a limb. But, hey, if you don't say stupidly outrageous things that are wholly out of step with common sense and reason, how are you gonna get your fat pan on the talk shows?

That said, Donohue has positioned himself well. Because if The Golden Compass does anything short of Shrek or Spider-Man opening weekend box office, he can claim that the shortfall is due to his righteous, principled crusade against the forces that would besmirch the name of the One True Church.

And the fat load at the end of the bar drowns out the Irish Rovers with his views on how the Jews control the world.