Thursday, March 22, 2007

14 Sex Moves You've Never Heard Of

"14 Sex Moves You've Never Heard Of

You might want to cover the honey bear's eyes.
All you nooky know-it-alls are in for a treat.
We hunted down totally original, out-of-the-box booty ideas we guarantee you'll love.

I like to look at the cover of Cosmopolitan when I'm in a check-out line at the supermarket.
(Not at Whole Foods, though; there I look at the covers of socially-responsible magazines printed on 100% repurposed bladders of pigs who died natural deaths after leading long, fulfilling lives.)
Last weekend, I scoped the April issue at what used to be called the "social Safeway" here in Choc City on account of a trend the Washington Post imagined some years back of singles mingling in supermarkets.
On its cover, I saw Eva Longoria, a woman who in no way suffers from media overexposure, and she was being partially obscured by a number of fascinating teasers for the magazine's contents.

Like 99 Sex Facts You've Never Heard Before
and Blow His Mind! The Awesome New Sex Prop-and Guess What? It's Probably in Your Purse
and, of course, What He Does When You're Not Around (Make Sure He's Out of Slapping Distance)

Ha ha! Don't those look "fun and fearless"? 'Cause that's what the 'Smo is all about: fun fearless females. Well, "fun" because any woman who spends that much time rooting through her purse to find some fucking thing or another to use as a "sex prop"--and, parenthetically, do I have to hire a Teamster to move a sex prop?--must be a hoot-and-a-half. Literally, a hoot.5. "Fearless" because I figure you have to have brass ovaries to be seen publicly carrying this rag. Might as well wallow in your own filth if you want to repel men only a little more quickly. And "female"...well, because men aren't really burrowing through their glove compartments, tool boxes, and wallets to find "sex props". They generally use their penises. If they're aware of the existence of the clitoris, they may optionally use their fingers. But they're not doing supplementary reading on how to jerry-rig sex toys out of TV remotes. They're just not.

So, in addition to the ancillary effect of slicing ten to twenty points off its readers' IQ, can it be said that reading Cosmo actually acts counter to the stated purpose of the magazine: finding a hott guy whom you can manipulate with 27 CHEEZY SEX TRICKS! until he marries you and you never have to lift a fucking finger ever again?
But only if one were to take the position that possession of one or several issue(s) of the 'Smo, to say nothing of an actual subscription, could be considered prima facie evidence of interpersonal incompatibility, if not of mental incompetence per se.
Does your sobsister take this position?
Well, I've as much as said so in the preceding; to claim otherwise would be disingenuous. And I am nothing if not ingenuous.

So, there you have it: conclusive evidence that reading Cosmopolitan actually reduces your chance of meeting, snaring, and wedding a non-troll before your biological clock says "smell ya later!".

Just another public service of the sobsister broadcasting system.

Oh, and who the fuck is the "honey bear"? Do they mean the translucent plastic bears sold as honey containers? Why would one cover their eyes? Are condiment containers known for their delicate sensibilities? Or are Cosmo editors known for their advanced state of cretinism? Food for thought.


cheese puff said...

Superior writing. Hysterically funny!

the sobsister said...

Thanks for visiting and thanks for writing. I'm glad you enjoyed it.