Saturday, August 09, 2008

Penis Envoy, Dept.

Ummm...what the fuck, John Edwards? I mean, Bubba Clinton I understand; Jesse Jackson I understand; Christ, Strom Thurmond I understand. But I actually thought Edwards and his wife were bulletproof in the scandalous adultery department.

Was I not on distro for the memo? You know...the one that said political office is carte blanche to bang any/everything with a pulse and a perm? I mean, I have not walked a mile in John Edwards' shoes, so who am I to judge...BUT I'm kind of an asshole, so I will. "Rielle Hunter" née Lisa Druck--and I'm sure that reinvention is a tale worth hearing over a saucy Chardonnay or twelve--may be a fascinating conversationalist or a conversant fellatrix, I don't know. But godDAMN, motherfucker, why exactly would you be slipping the salam' to some bim just around the time, you know, YOU'RE RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT?!? Did he figure, "eh, between the black dude and the hag, who's gonna notice me porking off the reservation?" And "Rielle" (apparently pronounced "Riley" for no discernible reason; might as well pronounce it "Throat Warbler Mangrove") apparently has quite the backstory. From what I understand, she ended up in Jay McInerney's crowd in the mid-'80s. She apparently "intrigued and appalled" the novelist. And she apparently was no stranger to Hoovering up piles of inspiration off saliva-sticky mirrors.

So, yeah.
Go Johnny go!
That better've been some mad pussy you got, given that it's put paid to your political career.

My favorite part of the story? "Rielle" bears a child out of wedlock in February 2008. Everyone thinks Big John is the paterfamilias. Nuh-uh, Crimestoppers! It's apparently/supposedly/reportedly some other dude who worked for the Edwards campaign!!

Shit, tit and caramba! That must've been one block-rockin' campaign bus. What'd, they pass "Rielle" around like a blunt?

Ah, Johnny, we hardly knew ye. But, damn, motherfucker, what we did know of ye did not prepare me for this shit.

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