Pillocks of the Community, Dept.

Hey, so, Herman "Where the white women at?!" Cain is out of the race because of "the continued distraction, the continued hurt to me and my family" related to his reported penchant for forcing women's heads down onto his groin.  Separately, megachurch idiot-fleecer "Bishop" Eddie "You can't spell 'Eddie Long' without 'D.L.'" Long is taking time off to "focus on his family" after his wife filed for divorce, reportedly because he took advantage of his wealth and spiritual authority to lure four young men into sexual relationships.  He settled the cases, as did Spermin' Herman, and neither man admitted wrongdoing, despite that head-scratching bit about giving accusers money when their accusations are a pack of lies.

Oh, America!  Oh, religion!  Oh, politics!  Did you take the dictionary page containing "shame" and tear it out of your Funk & Wagnalls?

I mean--putting aside for the moment why, given his absolute zero experience in governance, anyone--ANYone--would think that this pizza-hustling pussy pirate could ever begin to approach the minimum requirements even to be mayor of a one-horse town somewhere in the trackless wastes of Flyoverstan, much less president of what is, for now, still the most powerful nation on Earth--on what planet is the farrago of bullshit, half-truths, non-truths, lies, spin and blather that this second coming of George Jefferson and his repellent mouthpiece spewed after allegations popped up like boners at a prom dance that he liked to dip his wick everywhere but in his long-suffering and almost entirely silent wife anything but risible? 

But, no, actual sentient lifeforms with U.S. citizenships and driver's licenses that allow them to pilot two-ton vehicles at 65 miles per hour were lining up to support his pretend tax plan, to defend him against what were surely baseless charges by vindictive golddiggers, to pledge their sacred votes to see him elected to the highest office in this land.  His now-defunct campaign even started a Web site "Women for Herman Cain" that, contrary to appearances, is not a sign-up sheet for women who want to be basted in his baby juice, but, instead, a place for representatives of the gentler sex from states whose shape and capitals we on the coasts are hard-put to remember to testify about their ardent luv for the pizza-makin', booty-shakin', liberties-with-the-truth takin' political n00b.

Take, for example, "Robin Haraway" of Millington, TN--apparently a real person--who writes, "Sir, I firmly believe that you were sent to our nation through Divine Providence and I believe that you are the man to preserve our Republic for our children."

Or "Debbie Stevens-Paulsen" of Tulsa, OK who writes, "I want you to know that I fully support you! I've sent $9.99 several times, and will continue to do so every chance I get. I wish I could do more! I'm "reassessing" my Christmas List... instead of buying misc $10 gifts for people I barely know anyway, I'm sending all that money to you. YOU are who this country needs. Please don't let the opposition win, they are vile liars and will face God for what they've done to you. "

Really?

Really really?

I mean, "Robin Haraway," though somewhat bereft of fashion sense, appears to be an Average American, one who does not live in a tree or communicate only in wolf language.  How the flying fuck would this person--who, apparently, has held a job (as an elementary schoolteacher, dear God!) and perhaps even voted previously--ever think that the so-aptly named "Herm" was sent to our nation by anything other than a trickster deity with a grudge against American exceptionalism?

We're definitely at the horses-made-consuls-by-deranged-emperors stage of the Roman American Empire.  Look for the barbarians at the gates in 3...2...