Saturday, April 16, 2011

It's on Everyone's Lips, Dept.

You would think sodomy would be a divisive issue in today's America, but, surprisingly, it is not.

Democrats, for example, enjoy having their dicks sucked by zaftig interns with daddy issues, while Republicans like being reamed by hung rentboys.  It's as natural as cherry blossoms in spring or fetal alcohol syndrome in reality show contestants.

Apropos of which, former Sen. Rick Santorum has taken the first baby steps towards the White House by announcing the fundraising committee that will sound the waters for financial support for his candidacy.  For those who've not had the opportunity to google "Santorum," the Web site is the first hit for the former senator's surname, thanks to the SEO efforts of sex-advice columnist Dan Savage and his many followers.  The site's purpose: to immortalize the redefinition of "santorum" (as devised by Savage's readers) as "the frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex."  Savage and his followers took the initiative in response to the former senator's many and unenlightened pronouncements on homosexuality.  (The second Google hit is the Wikipedia page for "Santorum (sexual neologism)"--huh huh, he said "jism"--followed only then by Santorum's Wikipedia bio page.)

Now, Santorum, as a devout Catholic--if his seven children and virulently antigay pronouncements are any barometer--may be a stranger to back-door lovin', given that, by my best calculations, it doesn't seem to lead to babies very often (one notable exception: Glenn Beck).  Or, as a devout Catholic who is virulently antigay, he may be well-acquainted with back-door lovin' (see rentboy above).  It's all between him and his confessor.  Who may be well-acquainted with back-door lovin' (see rentboy above).

But Santorum's reappearance on the national stage after having had his pee-pee spanked in the 2006 senatorial race by Democrat Bob Casey will allow national media to revisit this "colorful" senator's past statements and activities and report them to an audience a bit bigger than the tragically slackjawed Pennsylvania electorate that first elevated him to Capitol Hill.

Here's one of my favorite Santorum stories, a testament, really, to the type of president he might make were he to achieve this nation's highest elected office.  So, as I noted, Santorum and his wife have seven children.  Well, actually, they would have had eight, but the child fifth in line died a few hours after birth due to a severe genetic disorder.  A tragedy by any reckoning, but Santorum decided to put his own special spin on the situation by bringing the deceased infant home, introducing it to his four children as "your brother Gabriel" and spending the night with it before returning it to the hospital the next day.  Talk about kickin' it old-school.  That's an attitude towards death with which most Americans would be familiar.  In the 19th century.  When post-mortem photography reached its zenith.  It's certainly of a piece with his attendance of Latin Mass and his trogolodytic attitude towards human sexuality.  Would your sobsister be surprised to find that Santorum cinches a metal cilice around his thigh just a bit tighter when he has an impure thought about Justin Bieber?  Well, would your sobsister be surprised to find that Yosemite Sam recently pitched a minor hissy regarding a certain consarned long-eared galoot?

So, yes, Rick Santorum, welcome back to the national stage.  In an electoral season where the ring is increasingly crowded by the tinfoil hats of the bizarre, disturbed and irrational politicians of the American Right, a man synonymous with shit-flecked spooge should feel right at home.

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