Sunday, May 11, 2008

Make-Up Sex, Dept.

Okay, so I managed to miss the entire frackin' month of April. And we're a good bit into May already. Fine. Sue me, sue me, what can you do me, I love you. No, wait, that's Nathan Detroit from Guys and Dolls.

At any rate, just to rekindle the romance, here's a short story:

I'm sitting in front of the teevee watching the Discovery Channel. Now, I never watch the DC usually because I only have a limited attention span for fish that eat humans or insects that eat fish or whatever, but that notwithstanding, there I was, watching the DC. Some dude was talking about how difficult it would be to survive in the Everglades if one had to walk across it. Which had, you know, never occurred to me. Possibly because of its retina-searing obviousness. So, roll footage of dude standing in the middle of identical-looking-in-every-direction expanse, dude examining body of water for 'gators, dude walking with large stick held before him to fool short-bus snakes. Then, drama! dude bounds ahead of the camera! Has he found the Lost Treasure of Ponce de León?! No. But he has found the Cutest Little Tree Frog Evar™! The little tree frog sits in dude's hand as dude gives us mission-critical info. Apparently, we're told, if one is to walk across the Everglades, one really needs protein to maintain one's strength, yadda yadda, nature talk nature talk, and he pops the cute li'l tree frog into his mouth, chews him briskly and swallows him. In high-def.



I was hating you for being a clueless twunt stupid enough to even think about walking across the fucking Everglades, and now you go and cap your exhibition of twuntishness by eating--alive, let me remind you--the cutest thing on the screen since I started watching your fucking show?!

I've channel-blocked Discovery.

At least until I hear that a Kodiak bear mistook this shitwit for a blow-up fucky doll.


Anonymous said...

I've been clean and sober since February 3rd! And now I've relapsed again! If you get me back on this stuff, you're responsible for keeping me supplied!!

*turning in my 4 month chip*

the sobsister said...

I know. It's like the bit about the food at a Catskills hotel: awful...and such small portions.

Thanks for visiting despite the I'd-be-dignifying-it-by-calling-it-a-trickle of writing.

More will be forthcoming. You betchum, Red Ryder!

Anonymous said...

So glad you are back... I may have missed you, just a little.
Well more than a little but I don't want to seem needy.

the sobsister said...

Thank you.

Anonymous said...

Milton: We use only the finest baby frogs, dew picked and flown from Iraq, cleansed in finest quality spring water, lightly killed, and then sealed in a succulent Swiss quintuple smooth treble cream milk chocolate envelope and lovingly frosted with glucose.

Praline: That's as maybe, it's still a frog.

Milton: What else?

Praline: Well don't you even take the bones out?

Milton: If we took the bones out it wouldn't be crunchy would it?

Samela said...

Oh, SS....tears of mirth runneth down my face.

the sobsister said...

Thanks, Samela. And all of you as were kind enough to stop by and comment.