Monday, July 23, 2007

Find the Pope in the Pizza, Dept.

The town of Ave Maria, Florida.
No different, one might think, from any of the multifarity of Jesus-branded cities, towns, and backwaters in the Mutant State.
But that's exactly where you would be grievously wrong, cousin.
For Ave Maria aims to be the nation's first town run on Roman Catholic precepts.

So, might one expect the decriminalization of wife-beating and boy-buggering? One might, rabbit, one might. It's apparently the braindead-child of Domino's Pizza founder Tom Monaghan. Which is just another reason not to order that shit. I mean, really. If you don't want to make the dough yourself, just go to your local good pizzeria and buy a pie pre-rolled, add your own toppings, and throw it in a 500-degree oven for eight minutes. If you have a pizza stone, all the better. And, trust me, it'll be goood. Anyhoo, this cassock-hugging shitwit said that the commercial leases in the town would enforce beliefs consistent with Catholicism and, as a consequence, the sale of porn and contraceptives would be prohibited. Presumably also the sale of most music written since 1900 and most books written since 1600. But on the upside, ol' Tom'd probably be cool with Jews practicing usury, so long as they wore pointy hats and stars of David to mark them as outcasts and moral lepers. At any rate, the ACLU got all up in Pizza Boy's grill and he backed off. Funnily enough, though, for someone so Catholic, he's sponsoring an enormous abortion of a church right in the center of town. This ginormous oratory will feature the World's Largest Crucifix. 65 feet tall. And Jesus' wounds'll squirt orange Slurpee® into the congregants' mouths. Ha ha! Just kidding! It'll actually retain the iron and musk flavors of real blood! Damn but they can do fancy stuff with food additives. So, yeah, mega-super-fucking-tacky. As one might expect from the man who brought America "Cheesy Bread" and the "MeatZZa".

So, yeah, if you feel the State is not being intrusive enough in your life, think about packin' up the truck and movin' to Ave Maria. Where CCTV ensures you restrict yourself to the missionary position and that only during your wife's fertile days. Oh, and mark your calendar for next month's Muslim Whack-a-Thon. A year's supply of Vatican Soda ("the pause that represses") to the first contestant to lay out five infidels!

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