Letters, We Get Letters, Dept.

Dear Sobsister,

I've been reading stuff on the Internet, and it sounds like I have what they call "penis envy."  I can't stop thinking about how great it would be if I had a penis.  It would make my life heaven.  I wake up each day and go to sleep each night wishing I had a penis, any size, wouldn't matter.  What do you think I should do?

Inches Away in New Canaan

Dear Inches,

Medical science is making great strides, so your dreams may come true sooner than you think.  And, by the way, good luck with that rally today, Mr. Beck.

Letters, We Get Letters, Dept.

Dear Sobsister,

I'm a 43-year-old guy. I took some medicine, and my dick got really hard. The funny thing was, it was St. Joseph's Aspirin for Children. Is there something wrong with me?

Stiff in Ashtabula

Dear Stiff,

Not at all. And I'll see you at the Sunday bingo, Father.