"I Love My Cigar But I Take It Out Every Once In A While", Dept.
The Jim Bob & Michelle Duggar Family
Sixteen Jesus-loving children raised in a born-again home where their clothing options are regimented (skirts or dresses not pants and white socks for the girls, polo shirts, slacks, and black socks for the boys) and each day is punctuated with multiple Bible readings and Bible study with "Daddy".
I suppose one's reaction to this (living fucking hell or gosh-a-roonie goodness?) is as valid a litmus test as any to determine whether one should be living in a blue or red state. The 21st or the 17th century.
You see, Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar of Arkansas decided a long time ago that they'd have as many children as the Good Lord saw fit to give them. Whether or not they were ever clear on the mechanics and consequences of Mister Duggar sticking his winkie in Missus Duggar's woo-woo is not known. At any rate, sixteen Caucasian Christian births later, there they are.
The Discovery Health website, for some reason, has pages devoted to this warren of Scripture-spouting rabbits. It includes "Fun Facts" like "Michelle Duggar, female head of the Duggar household (and, yeah, I am totally sure that's her title at home: "female head"), has been pregnant for 126 months of her life." Yow, kids! That is a Fun Fact! At least I think subjecting a human being to nausea, distension, and hormone hell for over ten years because of an uncorroborated belief in the imagined will of the Invisible White Man in the Sky is fun! Don't you?!
But maybe I should let the Duggars speak for themselves. Here's Michelle Duggar, a woman who would've been well-served learning about the advantages of fellatio to completion, describing one of the day's activities,
"9:00 p.m. is Bible time with Daddy. This is probably our favorite time of day. Daddy reads the Bible & we discuss the passage together. We talk about the day & bring out points of how to apply what we have learned. We enjoy making up skits & acting out examples of right responses & wrong responses."
Is that not precious? Like Ned Flanders as Joseph Goebbels. I wonder what "right responses" and "wrong responses" entail? I'm going to have to guess that responses that could lead an unwitting Duggar down the path to Liberal Humanism are "wrong". And those that don't make "Daddy" angry are "right". Yeah. She's forty years old and refers to her husband as "Daddy" to interviewers. Yeah. Oh, and did you know that all of their children, actually everyone in the family except Michelle, has a name that begins with "J", you know, as in "Jim Bob"? You'd think that for the pounding her uterus has taken, she'd've gotten to name the kids "Micah" and "Mulder" and "Menarche" and "Maraschino". But I don't think that's what "Daddy" wanted. No. Probably not what "Daddy" wanted at all. And did you know that sometimes they have "Daddy Days" when he overrides their schedule of responsibilities and their daily checklists and "takes the children out for family time, a field trip or a service project"? Yeah. "Daddy Days". I get the feeling that Mommy doesn't get many Days. There's a horse book out there called Blessed Are The Brood Mares. She may derive some comfort from that knowledge.
So, there you have it.
In the Empire of Daddy, all the subjects are happy.
Who wants to read today's excerpt from Leviticus?
Ooh, ME, Daddy! Pick ME!!