We Sold Our Soul for Rock'n'Roll...and to win Super Tuesday, Dept.

HillaryClinton.com - Campaign Song Poll

Yeah.

Is there's anything more indicative of the spirit of Hillary Clinton's campaign than the linked page, a poll that gives Americans the "opportunity" to vote on her campaign song?

Yeah.

Let's see...where to start...?

I know! How about the crap collection of tunes afforded us for our voting duty (itself a neat little analogue for the American electoral process)? We have two U2 songs on account of how Bono is Mother Teresa in big-ass old-people shades. One song by the Temptations and one by the Staple Singers on account of how Hill thinks the Black people, they haven't made inoffensive music since 1969, and, besides, she's got the African-American vote like Mitt Romney has the lesbian vegan pacifist vote. A Chixie Dicks tune on account of how they got shellacked for dissing Georgie-Porge and no other country act in the entire U. S. of A. would ever allow itself to be blighted by association with the Hillbot. A Shania Twain song on account of how she's sorta country even though she's a Canuckster and she don't write no ya-can't-spell-"Iraq"-without-J-E-S-U-S songs. A Smash Mouth song and one by Jesus Jones on account of somebody thinks it's 1996. And one by KT Tunstall on account of how, like, one of Hillary's interns?, like, watches So You Think You Can Dance? and they, like, use it there? and, like, it's rilly cool?

My fervent, white-knuckled hope is that this is only the first step in the utter democratization of Hillary's campaign to retake the White House. I hope next to be able to vote on her hairdo. Then on her wardrobe. Then on her Iraq policy. Then on whether she uses a water-based vs. a silicone-based lube mindful of the impact that'll have on her choice of dildo. Then on the sparkly-GIF quotient on her home page. Then on her health-care policy. Then on her wine pairing with dinner. Then on her hairdo again.

By that point, I think we as a nation will have arrived at Election Day prepped and ready not to vote for her for President on account of how she'd apparently shaft a snake in a sandstorm to win.

That said, I have to admit: I did submit two write-in candidates for the poll. Much as I suppose I'll do come November 4, 2008. The first was W*A*S*P's heartstring-tugging ballad "Animal (Fuck Like A Beast)" in fond recollection of how her ol' bunkmate, the Tipster, listed it on the PMRC's "Filthy Fifteen" songs along with such reprehensible ditties as Cyndi Lauper's "She Bop" and Madge's "Dress You Up". Yeah, that all seemed to make so much sense to the four Beltway Bottle-Blonde Bimbos who formed the PMRC. Why, here they are now!



EEEEK!!! Hope I didn't put you off your feed, kids!

Anyhoo, my second write-in tune was bit more serious in intent, a song I actually thought might be of some relevance to the Hillary movement. Because it's so much more than a mere campaign now. It's a fucking movement. A large, steaming movement. And that song is Queen's immortal "Bohemian Rhapsody". Why?, I hear you ask. Could it be because it's the gayest hard-rock song ever? Perhaps its appeal to the elusive Wayne's World fanboy demographic? No, although both are good guesses. The answer is lodged in a line that repeats thrice in the song to express the singer's innermost sentiment, the final time just before the shimmering waves of the struck gong end the number:

And it goes:
"...any way the wind blows..."