Ted Mack's Original Amateur Hour, Dept.
On tonight's episode of Love That Sarah!
-But, Mom, Jamie Lynn Spears and those 17 girls in Gloucester, Mass., they all got pregnant before they were old enough to vote!
-Young lady, if your friends all jumped off the Bridge to Nowhere, would you jump too?
(raucous audience laughter and applause)
A short burst of thought on this Bible-bothering, backwater bluenose.
If, at one of the most critical junctures in our nation's history, the Republican Party views the American political system and the future of our way of life with enough bilious contempt that it nominates for our country's second-highest position of power, just behind a 72-year-old man with one foot in the grave and the other on a can of WD-40, a malicious smalltown busybody whose opportunism and ambition swamp the natural modesty that would cause anyone short of an attention whore in six-inch platforms, a fuchsia tube top and fishnets to demur when offered a position for which they are manifestly unqualified by even the most generous measure, and whose qualifications for national service would be trumped by those of the humblest junior-year political science major enjoying a boozy year abroad, all I can say is that the entirety of that party's leadership should be pilloried, caned and hot-iron branded as traitors to absolutely everything for which this country has ever purported to stand.
If I thought the eight benighted, bemerded and bedamned years of the Idiot Bush's administration were a blight on the American dream, the nomination of Doddering Gaffer and Eve Harrington in mukluks is the GOP skullfucking the Statue of Liberty.