Mama Don't Preach, Dept.
Gol-DINGUS! If this ain't the most humoresk campaign season in many a moon, I'll salt a possum and eat it!
So, Bristol Palin, daughter of GOP Veep-wannabe Sarah and her half-man/half-wolf Inuit shaman superhero husband, is, umm, how you say...enceinte? Yes? She took ze weewee of ze boy in her woowoo and now ze baby, he grows big in her 17-year-old belly.
Man oh Manischewitz! Some might look at this turn of events as li'l Bristol squattin' over Mama's punch bowl at the Sunday social and gruntin' out a big ol' turd right into the dipper. Ah, but not the Unsinkable Sarah P. Quoth she:
"Our beautiful daughter Bristol came to us with news that as parents we knew would make her grow up faster than we had ever planned."
Talk about taking lemons and making a horribly astringent lemon-scented douche out of them! I mean, sure, something like, say...college, just to pluck an example out of thin air, might have made li'l Bristol grow up faster than they'd planned. But, fuck, why bother with book larnin' when you can just do what comes natural? I can only imagine Gov. Palin's rose-colored view of shitstorms could be pretty darn handy should she ascend to national service. "Well, yes, that reactor meltdown did kill millions...but parking downtown is now a breeze! Tee hee." But, yeah, "Our beautiful daughter..." Sweet, right? Translated with the Sobsister Alethiometer, it reads, "Jesus Hashimoto Christ on a crumpet, young lady! You are grounded with no texting and no VeggieTales until the Rapture!!"
So, yeah. Li'l Bristol preggers at 17. She will, of course, marry her baby daddy, 'cause if abstinence-only education has taught us anything, besides the worthlessness of abstinence-only education, it's that two wrongs most definitely make a right. Poor, dumb bastid. He could've just gone for the b.j., but, nooo, he had to get all ambitious an' whatnot...
I bet Hill'n'Bill are soooo glad they welded Chelsea's knees shut when she turned 12.