'Tis Nigh, 'Tis Nigh, the Fourth of July, Dept.

Well, kids, it's the Glorious Fourth! And you know what that means!
It's time for the fantabulous celebration of our nation's independence from those tyrannical limey bastards through a presentation of the absolute best performers money can rent! I'm speaking, of course, of A Capitol Fourth 2007, the annual concert on the National Mall that gives us all an opportunity to hear the songs of George M. Cohan and Irving Berlin performed by a new generation of artists who can only approach this material ironically, one imagines, given its utter disconnect with the realities of 21st-century American life.

And whom do we have this year to draw this immersion bath of fun? Why, it's Tony Danza! A veritable Swiss Army Knife of entertainment! He sings! He dances! He tells jokes! All of them in a way that leaves audiences across the nation saying, "Well, at least he's trying..."

To whom else can we look forward? The second runner-up from American Idol last year! Whoo-hoo! That ain't hay, brother! And for the middle-aged fanboy wankers in the audience, the cheerleader girl from Heroes! She sings and has perky tits! And there's a gospel singer too! Because our nation could not have been founded without Jesus' direct intervention! Or the Black people! And 75-year-old Little Richard'll be there! To represent the "Rock-and-Roll" the kids today seem to like so much! And some country guy I've never heard of! And Broadway star Bebe Neuwirth! Just to show the gay people that America loves them too, albeit secondarily!

Oh, 'twill be a grand occasion! Capped, of course, by a "rousing rendition"--which is what the White House advocates for many of those darn "Islamists"--of the 1812 Overture--the one piece of classical music real men can listen to without being turned into flaming fruitcakes--"complete with live cannon fire provided by the United States Army Presidential Salute Battery", because leave us not forget, we wouldn't be jack-shit on this ball o'mud without Our Boys In Uniform and the multi-trillion-dollar defense contracting juggernaut that stands proudly behind them!

So, skewer a grill-striped frank, pour yourself some beans, and settle back for a solid several hours of the kind of top-notch entertainment an undemanding, easily-amused, middle-brow wedge of the American demographic pie loves so well!

Happy Fourth of July everybody!!