America, Home of the Left-handed Compliment, Dept.

White House withdraws ambassador nominee - Yahoo! News

Dear Europe,

How are you? I hope you are fine. I am fine too.

You may have noticed that President Bush tried to send a certain "Sam Fox" to serve as ambassador at one of your capitals.

Yes, he only received the nomination because he gave an assload of money to Republican causes and because he gave fifty-thousand simoleons (which is how we used to refer to dollars back in the Old Century) to the "Swift Boat Veterans For Truth" which--and I think you'd agree--is a more-dignified-sounding name than "The Committee to Ream John Kerry's Stanky Butt", the original monicker for this steaming pile of truth-tellers.

And, yes, this Mister Fox is something of a shitwit. When confronted about his willingness to hand over bags of cash to a political hit-squad, he refused to consider his contribution a mistake, saying, "When I'm asked, I just generally give." As I said, a shitwit. But I'm needing to re-do my kitchen and dining room, so I may ask Mr. Fox for a little of that dough-re-mi, given his short pockets, long arms, and apparent unwillingness to ask too many questions.

Anyhoo, let's look at the upside on this issue, Europe: by this nomination, we, as the pre-eminent superpower on this planet, are showing you that we consider our relationship with your countries to be so strong, so enduring, so vital, that we can send the most grossly-unqualified charlatans to represent us in your capitals and still be confident that at their used-car-selling, no-foreign-language-speaking, Bermuda-shorts-wearing worst, they will cause no irreparable harm.

Is that a compliment or what?

So, hats off to you, Belgium! We think so highly of you that we were considering sending you a money-shoveling corporate raider with no experience in foreign affairs whatsoever as ambassador. He was from a place called "Missouri", you know, which is known for being the Entertainment Capital of the Ozarks, which is saying something believe-you-me. And it's also the "Show-Me State". Or the "Show-Me-The-Money State". I can't recall which. But anyway, if the quality of the candidate is inversely proportional to the strength of the bilateral relationship, U.S.-Belgium ties are bulletproof, baby!

Take care and write back soon.

Your friend,

The Sobsister