Thursday, March 29, 2007

"...and we'll throw in the Garden Weasel at no extra cost!", Dept.

The Secret Teachers ::: Official Web Site of The Secret Movie

Your sobsister is occasionally daunted.

Yes.

Sometimes I run across something that is so fundamentally absurd, so spectacularly egregious, so manifestly felonious that words--my faithful friends--desert me and I'm left squawking and flapping my arms as I shuffle around the kitchen alarming the dog just a little.

Such is The Secret on DVD.

What is The Secret? Well, it'll cost you thirty-four dollars and ninety-five cents American to find out. But I can give you a wee bit of a hint as to what it entails.

To quote from the DVD cover:

The Secret has traveled through centuries...to reach you

I mean, according to the scam artists great Australian thinkers behind this production--some of the finest minds in the Antipodes, from what I understand--Plato knew The Secret. Maybe. So did Beethoven. Probably. And, yeah, the Buddha. In all likelihood.

But forget those old-school dudes. For a limited time--and operators are literally on tenterhooks even as you read this--you can purchase The Secret on DVD and learn from a new generation of sages and masters of, well, you know, The Secret? Who, you may ask, are these New Illuminati?

How about "Bob Proctor", a man "widely regarded as one of the living masters and teachers of The Secret"? He wrote...I'm sorry, he is the "best-selling author" of You Were Born Rich, a piece of information my own parents selfishly forget to share with me.

Impressed? Well, how about "Marie Diamond", an "internationally known Feng Shui Master" who "created Diamond Feng Shui...to bridge the Law of attraction in your environment". And that ain't hay, cousin!

Then there's "Dr. John Demartini D.C. BSC", a "philospher and chiropractor". Two vocations I know I always associate. Like "Republican congressman" and "fetish gear expert".

Blinded by the brilliance yet? Try "Bill Harris", "creator of Holosync mind transforming audio technology" which I'd initially hoped was the same as the holodeck on the Enterprise because I have been waiting years, literally years, to visit a simulation of the pleasure planet Risa. But no, sadly. Holosync is only "the most powerful personal growth and mind development tool on Earth". Or, to quote from satisfied customer Michelle Simons (oh, where's "Mr. Richard Feder from Fort Lee, New Jersey" when you need him?), "You told me I'd meditate like a Zen monk, literally at the touch of a button, and it's true! This is like meditation on steroids!" Yow!! Push-button exxxtreme utter detachment from self?! Sign me the right the fuck up, cowboy!

There are so many more, I could start a blog just to extol their virtues and Money Miracles™. "Neale Donald Walsch", a "modern day spiritual messenger". "John Gray PH.D.", the creepily-animatronic author of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. "Jack Canfield", co-creator of the you-can't-afford-Paxil?-read-this-instead paperback/mousepad/T-shirt franchise Chicken Soup for the Soul®. "Michael Beckwith", a "nonaligned, trans-religious progressive" and, yes, "visionary".

So many forward-thinking, consciousness-raising, life-empowering men and women with only two things in common: mastery of The Secret and a fervent desire to part you from your money.

Yes, it's true. These folks are gonna show you how to ascend to the astral plane of utter fulfillment by lightening the load in your wallet that's keeping you earthbound. But, in the end, you too will join them at the very pinnacle of Enlightenment. How? By learning The Secret which, in the words of "John Assaraf", "...has been passed throughout the ages, traveling through centuries...to reach you, mankind, and humankind." (Not sure about those three divisions...is he addressing pets as well?) "The Secret to everything - the secret to unlimited joy, health, money, relationships, love, youth; everything you have ever wanted."

I don't know about y'all but I'm going to study The Secret because one of the things I've always wanted, always dreamed of, always desired is to have the head of every shilling, swindling, glad-handing, shit-eating, snake-oil-selling self-help huckster and bunco artist explode in a confetti-burst of bullshit, greed, and malice.

I know The Secret will help me do this. Maybe it'll help you too.

3 comments:

orderfire said...

If I call now, will they throw in The Celestine Prophecy absolutely free?

the sobsister said...

Yes, but only if you call in the next five minutes.
Otherwise, you're irremediably fucked.
After that five-minute period elapses, they will not sell it to you if you offer them head, your firstborn, or a million dollars.
In that or any other order.

What, you don't think these people got ethics?

barryweber said...

I'm pretty sure J.Z.Knight is lurking in the antechambers of this one, too, just as she was in The Rabbit Hole, or whatever that thing was named..lurking, waiting, hoping for the day when someone will believe her besides the fast-fading bevy of one-time 'actresses that matter' who believed her growling, English/Swedish accented Ramtha, and are languishing away into their late 60s, leaving noone but penniless Seattle ex-grungers to finance her stables. But that's The Secret isn't it?