Saturday, May 07, 2011

My Cousin Kenny, Dept.

This political season is so absurdly rich in sociopaths at whom we laugh, but who hold stature in the eyes of a non-trivial segment of the population, that satire becomes journalism with more Buffy references.  Sure, some of them--Bachmann, Santorum, Palin--are so bizarre, repellent and unavoidable in their attempts at self-aggrandizement through manipulation of the basest instincts in what I hope is a largely ignorant, perhaps cave-dwelling, population that they invite, if not demand, comment in a way that, say, Steve Forbes never did and never will unless he releases photographs of himself coupling with a manatee cow.

Amongthem?notyet, but you have to credit his arriviste spunkiness is Virginia Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli, a feller who's making a name for himself by saying and doing shit that others might think openhandedly indulged a penchant for persecution of one's culture war enemies except for the fact that Cuccinelli's pronouncements are so inappropriate for someone representing all of the laws of the state--not just the ones that fuck up the Opposition--that they cease resembling rational speech and morph into the midway bark of a Tod Browning carnival.  Challenging gay rights, challenging environmental legislation, challenging the constitutionality of the health care law, challenging academic freedom--he's one challenged guy.  And on his short bus, he believes homosexuality is wrong, abstinence-only sex education is the way to go and the Second Amendment pretty much gives anyone the right to bear arms in as concealed a manner as that individual deems appropriate.

Now, by this point, you might think that "Cuccinelli" is Italian for "deranged right-wing twunt."  And it might be; my Italian is rustier than Condoleezza Rice's sense of shame.  But in the interests of bipartisanship and open dialogue, I've invited "Cooch," as I call him, to answer questions from readers, in a segment I call "Talk to the Cooch...'Cause the Face Don't Care!"

Our first question comes from Lerman Griswold of Nacogdoches, TX
Q: Hey, Cooch, It seems funny that Virginia still has anti-sodomy laws on the books, particularly in the wake of the Supreme Court's ruling in Lawrence v Texas.  Could you clarify?
A: "I'm a little fucked up maybe, but I'm funny how, I mean funny like I'm a clown, I amuse you? I make you laugh, I'm here to fuckin' amuse you? What do you mean funny, funny how? How am I funny?

Great, thanks, Cooch.  Our next question is from Tamneesha Brown of Chicago, IL
Q: Dear Cooch, I understand that you gave your staff lapel pins that had a modified version of the current Virginia state seal.  In your version, the Roman goddess' bare breast was covered, and the design came from a Confederate seal used during Civil War.  So, are you a racist or scared of women's bodies or both?
A: "Give yourself a hand, right across your fucking mouth."

Interesting, interesting.  Alright, we have time from one more question.  This one's from Rogelio Ignacio Villacruz of Pomona, CA
Q: ¡Hola, Cooch! Me pareces ser un imbecil comemierda maric√≥n infeliz, y yo y mi mara nos cagamos en la concha de la putamadre que te pario.  ¿Que te parece eso?
A: "How do you cook your grits? Do you like them regular, creamy or al dente?"

Nicely put.  With that, we bring this first edition of "Talk to the Cooch...'Cause the Face Don't Care!" to a close.  Please send in your questions, and we'll try to get to as many as we can in future editions.

Until then...keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the...what? well, I don't care...is Casey Kasem my mother?...well, I don't have another sign-off, OK?...what?...that doesn't even make sense...I don't care if she's not using...what?...OK, fine...

Hm.  Until then, everyone, wubba wubba wubba!

Gah.

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