Sunday, May 03, 2009

There Are Children in India Who'd Be Overjoyed with Your Year-old RAZR V3, Dept.

I was fondling my iPhone recently. A private moment. It was raining lightly outside. Because I'd asked that it stop raining, even lightly, inside.

As I traced its sleek lines with a finger, I thought about one thing. One thing only.

How is it that people have the stones to complain about the lack of features in iPhone apps that, on top of everything else and secondary to the point I'm about to make, are free or absurdly cheap?

Reading the reviews at the App Store is an eye-opening experience if you've ever harbored any illusions that people are easy to please. What, that 99-cent app doesn't alphabetize, cross-index or translate into Quechua and Amharic all the entries across your databases, while setting calendar alerts in Outlook?! By G*d, I rue the day they outlawed public horsewhipping!

I just want to call the people who post these, umm, somewhat demanding reviews and say, "Hello, do you mean to tell me that the fact that you can reorder your Netflix queue on your phone from a toilet stall in a bar doesn't drop you to your knees before the altar of Technology?! Did you want your winged horse in brown instead of white?! Does the pattern on your flying carpet clash with your shoes?!? You're just going to piss Technology off, and then she'll take all her shiny shit and split, and you'll be back to banging two rocks together for entertainment and saving acorns for counting beads. Ingrate."

Honestly. Monkeys is the kwaziest people.


thefirstmorning said...

We oldsters can remember having to get up OUT OF OUR CHAIRS to WALK ACROSS THE ROOM to change to one of the two other channels on the television.
We can remember waiting for the clerk to shuffle through a 900 page book full of tiny numbers to see if our credit card was OK.
We can remember Traveler's Checks!
All of which makes every single iPhone app (for this particular oldster)an absolutely amazing almost-divine touch across space and time. 99 cents to make a hundred different fart noises, FREE to subscribe to the NYTimes, USA Today! Holy cow!

the sobsister said...

Heck, I can remember when some darn fool said man could fly! Sure, we beat the crap out of him and his family, and, later on, sat on airplanes that charged you cash money for crap food. I'm just waiting for an app that'll let me impregnate Rush Limbaugh's head with a clone of Keith Olbermann. If apps work the way I think they do. And I've not been proven wrong yet.