Independence Day CCXXXV: Where's Your Precious Will Smith Now?, Dept.
Happy Fourth of July, everyone! Join me in celebrating that joyful day 235 years ago when Jesus first charged his power ring and created the blessed corporatocracy in which we now live. (Wait, did I spell that correctly...? c-o-p-r-o-c-r-a-c-y...)
If you can't join me, well, then, join Latino Superstar Jimmy "my name doesn't end in a vowel, cabrón" Smits for A Capitol Fourth. Smitty will introduce such renowned musical acts as that girl who won Idol a few years ago and Josh Groban, whom my mother used to like. Inspiring marches and such will be played to remind us of the American Empire's salad days. Hey, remember when we kicked Spain's ass?! Aww, yeah, that was wicked cool!
So, yes, America's birthday. Canada may have a better national anthem and health care system, but we made Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel, so IN YOUR FACE, you poutine-eating, Triumph-listening posers!!
U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A!