Friday, October 16, 2009

You Pray They Don't Reproduce, Dept.

I recently viewed some of Kim Kardashian, Superstar, the ¡whoopsie! sex tape of America's Most Famous Armenian™ (tough titty, Saroyan!) and her meat puppet, "hip hop star Ray J."

Yes, I, too, at first, thought that this was the legendary Ray J. Johnson, which would be even better as a nom de porn. You remember Ray J. Johnson: "My name is Raymond J. Johnson, Jr. Now you can call me Ray, or you can call me J, or you can call me Johnny, or you can call me Sonny, or you can call me Junie, or you can call me Ray J, or you can call me RJ, or you can call me RJJ, or you can call me RJJ Jr. but you doesn't hasta call me Johnson!" No...? C'mon, that killed in 1978! BobfuckingDylan referenced it on "Gotta Serve Somebody"! That's like the Pope praising little Mary Shaughnessy's drawing of the BVM from his balcony at St. Peter's on Easter Sunday.

Anyway, it's not that guy. He's white. This is a 28-year-old black rapper. Best known for...well, for being Brandy's brother. You know: Brandy...? She was "Moesha" on TV...? She killed that woman on the 405...? Never got charged with vehicular manslaughter...? 'Cause she's MO-esha...? Right. So, her brother. If he killed somebody on a freeway, he would be charged, at a minimum, with vehicular manslaughter. Because he is considerably LESS-esha. *ha ha!* Opportunities to make Moesha jokes have been thin on the ground these last eight years. And in the Truth is Invariably More Sordid than Fiction File, we have Brandy and Ray J's mother suing the Kardashians for $1M on account of $120,000 in charges she claims they ran up on her credit cards. Oh, you wacky fuckups!

At any rate, the sex tape. Kim Kardashian, whom I only knew as a name for a very long time, apparently fucks this dude, and he taped them fucking, and she was shocked, shocked! to find that her most intimate moments were spread over the Internet, and she felt compelled to do her duty as an American and sued the company that released said tape.

time out: Is there anyone out there--and I'm willing to include recent immigrants, children and the smarter small mammals--who believes the wheeze that goes Oh-my-I-never-suspected-this-recording-would-leave-the-sanctity-of-our-bedroom! Because, no, really. I'm spry, but I wasn't born yesterday. The naïvete required to believe that a recording some fucking mook is making of you sucking his pipe is never going to appear online would, I think, forcibly qualify you to have a proxy named to transact even basic daily business. :tuo emit

Kim Kardashian is apparently famous to an extent inversely proportional to the extent of her talents, but highly correlative to the size of her ass. She is one of a number of siblings, many of whom are also famous entirely beyond their innate ability to command attention, respect or praise. Their names all begin with "K." No, I don't know why. In age order, there's Kunding, Kim, Korfu, Kleenex, Kourtney, Klench, Klinch, Khloé, Krispy, Kreme and Kinko's. I kid. Only three of those names are real.

So, the sex tape. Let's see...quality-wise, it makes 1 Night in Paris look like Titanic. It's makes "amateurish, careless slop" seem like praise. There are children out there--young children--who, given Mommy's camcorder, would construct a more compelling, less visually unpleasant work than did Ray J. Who clearly did not read the camcorder manual.

Prurience-wise? Aside from the fact that the editing on this thing seems designed to prevent anyone outside a correctional facility from getting wood, it's like watching a kid in front of a department store camera. Smiling and mugging and leering at the camera, Ray J doesn't break the fourth wall. Because, for Ray J, there is no fourth wall. I'll let you flash on that.

Right, so she gobbles his knob, he eats her pussy, he bones her doggie-style and missionary. She experiences what purports to be an orgasm. Then several more. The sounds of which don't really seem to sync with her facial expression or position. I mean, at all. I've seen Hong Kong chop socky flicks with better sync. But what do I know? I'm not Moesha's brother. And I'm not having sex with women who have to deny they've had plastic surgery. Questionable oral technique on the fellow, besides. You're not trying to shake a gnat off your head, brother, you're playing tag with a butterfly.

I quit about halfway in. And, really, if a celebrity sex tape can't hold me, it has to blow like an oboe convention. Even after reading the Wikipedia writeups on Kim Kardashian, I still don't know what her claim to fame is, besides her ass. But, then again, I think that the ducking-stool should be reintroduced for every single one of the women in those Real Housewives of... shows. So, I may not be the ideal audience for her wares.

See for yourself at the unsurprisingly named slutload.com. Particularly effective if you wish to deflate your opinion of humanity. Or if you need a bit of encouragement in hewing to a life of unrelieved sexual abstinence.

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